You know when your dog is sad — he doesn’t hide it. And he’s just not going to feel better until you love him up and tell him it’s okay. And by the time you do, you’re both so happy to be beyond the upset that you’re on Cloud 9 and he’s bouncing with playfulness.
Why can’t it work that way between us humans when we get upset with each other?
I recently tried to work through a bump in the road with a long-time friend. I wish one of us were a dog so we could have paralleled the above-described scenario because I don’t feel like it went well. We had had a disagreement where he got his feelings hurt and then I felt pushed away. After a cooling off period we had a lengthy talk and seemingly resolved our “issues.” But I’ve not felt right since and have tried and tried to figure out why. When I awoke this morning I finally had some clarity about it.
I can’t speak for my friend, but I left our conversation feeling like I’d been to a 12-step meeting . . . and I still don’t have a clue as to what’s really going on with him. Most of our discussion was framed in that 12-step kind of language: how we must take responsibility for our own feelings and actions, not project our emotions onto each other, understand that we had each hurt the other (so we were “even,” one-for-one, tit-for-tat — that detail, oddly, seemed to make everything all right in my friend’s eyes), etc. Now at one point in my life I attended a good many Alanon meetings and gained tremendous insight into myself and my own dysfunctions from them. And as far as I know my friend attends meetings and practices 12-step work continually. I have tremendous respect for these recovery programs. I think they teach us a lot we need to know about handling our emotions and certainly about how to “fight” fair. But you know what? They don’t really help mend the heart.
I personally believe these programs are now somewhat out-of-step with the times in that they more or less insist we are all satellites and can only find happiness from within. It’s true that we must, but we’re not all on this earth together to learn how to exist independently. We know now that our thoughts heavily impact one another, even across the world, so we are not emotional islands. We are supposed to be interdependent and learn how to co-exist peacefully and lovingly. Having good tools with which to resolve difficulties is one thing, but taking care of each others’ hearts is another.
Bottom line: Do you think you could make your dog feel better by explaining to him that what he had done triggered some old emotion in you and so your reaction to him was out of proportion to his misstep? Dream on. He’s not going to get happy until he once again feels your love, and that’s that.
I don’t know about my friend, but as for me I don’t feel like we accomplished much. All we did was talk through the ins and outs of “what happened.” And forgiveness was there too. But as far as mending each other’s hearts – nada. I don’t think it happened. At least it didn’t for me.
I think I’ll go hug up some of my animals now and make sure they know how much I love them. And it’s Sunday — a good day to pray and meditate about this.
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